5.4 Husbands and wives
Farm marriages: many reflect the traditional rural ‘husband and wife’: patterns of roles rules or companionship and/or ‘compromise’ have been established, especially with one adult ‘allowing’ the other to ‘rule’. The ‘status’ of the relationship was not related to the ‘success’ or viability of the farm.: "It’s really men who are the farmers... If the farmer’s happy then it makes it a lot easier on the rest of the family and the women." Language reflected this traditional approach. ‘Partners’ was not an accepted term for married couples in this area. It is used for adults who are not married.
Many couples we interviewed could be described as ‘happy’. However a clergyman who has lived in the area for some years suggested that he has never been in a place where relationships are so much at risk; and a health professional stated that "there is alarming evidence of young families -mid 30s and 40s- who are showing signs of dysfunction". Others suggested there is a real need for relationship counselling to be re-established in the area, and several emphasised the need for a women’s refuge to be re-established in the area, partly because "animals get a better service than women do. A good farmer takes better care of his animals". (The risk of an overemphasis on negativity is always present in research. People often talk about problems, rather than focussing on positive aspects or solutions to problems.)
Division of labour: this remains clear between male and female work on the farm, and, subsequently, of power. Authority to do with the farm remains with the men. Most of the men we interviewed made all the decisions to do with the farm. Women said they were sometimes able to contribute to these decisions, a few claimed to be equal participants in any discussion, but few were equal partners in a legal sense. The farm was seen as the man’s domain, the house as hers. Issues such as purchase of clothing, furniture, holidays appeared to be initiated, or made, primarily by women. A number of women are questioning this divisioning. "We’ve been biting off our noses to spite our face- we are part of it’s [the farm’s] business- we’re not workers."
This labour split affects men and women in different ways. Many men are working longer on the farm, longer in the sense of daily or weekly hours, and longer in the sense of years spent on the farm because they say they cannot afford to retire. Few farms in this area, as elsewhere, now employ permanent labour. A number of people talked about, how in the past, they had two or three workers and now the farmer works the farm by himself, with only very occasional help. Women, whether working both on and off the farm, continue to carry the major responsibilities for housework, chauffeuring, coordinating the family’s lives. Most women had followed the pattern of working on the farm before children were born, then ‘helping’ in emergencies or busy times.
Paid employment: there is an increasing range of paid employment opportunities sought by both men and women from farm families. They are, often, in competition for these scarce positions with those living in rural towns. Men are not only working their own farms, but leasing other blocks, or leasing out half, or more, of their own farms; working off the farm as a casual labourer, factory hand, in tourism, and, as one person put it, as a ‘locum farmer’.
Many women are working part time as nurses, teachers, one as a school principal, others in towns such as Taihape at the bank, or hospital. Some had established their own businesses as physiotherapists, speech and drama teachers; some were government employees, one a counsellor, others worked as cleaners, telephone researchers, or with their husbands in tourism ventures. Many said they had "initially gone to work for myself, [but] now it’s a necessity".
Power relationships between husbands and wives are being threatened by a host of factors, including women being in off farm paid employment, though as one person suggested, this has not necessarily changed the fundamental [im]balance of power because their "husband’s attitude hadn’t altered".
In a group discussion a number of women spoke of their frustrations. One woman told of working on the farm, coming inside - husband as usual moving to sit behind his newspaper after his shower- and asking – "where’s tea?" "I don’t know - you get it. I’m going to have a bath and go to bed." Another said: "how many women want to go, and how many go - you don’t because of the kids... young husbands may have changed". One woman, hearing these tales, said: "I wouldn’t leave. I’d murder him", and another; "women can feel completely cut out - a servant on wheels". In this group several emphasised how powerless they feel to change the patterns and practices of previous generations.
This group also spoke about their lack of choice and ability to make or influence important decisions. This impacted upon their ability to take control of their lives, and their situations. The lack of choice comes about, they suggested, because they are limited financially, have long distances to travel, are a long way from facilities, and suffer from a lack of services - that is, "we feel as though we are out on a limb". [ two of these women spoke of having letter boxes on the road 4kms from their house]
Stress and depression: two families who suffered badly through the stock market fall and a number of other events discussed how they dealt with their stress, and depression. All four are in their fifties, sixties, strong people with strong marriages. They defined struggling as being "when you can’t keep up with the maintenance; you’re unable to put on fertiliser; the buildings get run down, the fences... The machinery... all get run down. You can’t afford to go out - become a recluse, and get depressed".
One of this group said they sat inside and looked at tv, and thought about committing suicide in the initial stages. Another said she didn’t realise how depressed she had become. She had started laughing one night over dinner about an incident - and recalled how she hadn’t laughed for so long; "it puts a real strain on your relationship". Another one of this foursome said "I felt I was carrying myself and him [but decided] I am not going to take over the whole of the workload- it would then be my fault if we sold our property - we waited - 3 years of real difficulties... took the kids away and out of it when times were tough".
Many people suggested men and women handle stress differently. Men go to the back of the farm and sometimes lash out at the animals, or the ground; women talk more to each other, about how partners can lash out verbally, physically [ see 6.3 for a brief discussion of family violence ] and of the mental abuse of women by men. One woman told of how she has started menopause early because of stress. You’re just as stressed as they are- they get the impression you’re not stressed [yet] underneath you’re in tears yourself - you’re not living yourself [you] talk about a neutral subject like cricket.
A number of women talked of the emotional and physical pain caused by "constantly bending over backwards", making huge efforts to act as a go-between - in the past with workers who lived with farm families, but nowadays between the husband, adult sons and daughters in law, younger children, and casual workers when they are around. "You’re on duty 24 hours a day... if the tractor’s broken down, it’s somebody’s fault. Women can see these things quicker than men- [you] stabilise the whole family - at what cost to our personal health? Women’s job is the booster."
Other women spoke openly about tensions arising from living on the farm; of coping, for instance, with the risks involved, about how they worried if ‘he’ wasn’t home by a certain time, and wanting to use cell phones for safety purposes on the farm (not possible because of the terrain). One said "Life’s really tough on the land [but] that’s what we love- we’re animal oriented people; it would be over my husband’s dead body to move into town- it’s not an option".
Financial roles: there was a wide variation in how couples dealt with money matters. One woman said: "we’ve always had separate accounts. My super goes into mine and we just do our own thing... my mother always used to say keep your independence". Another, in her fifties, has just been offered an allowance by her husband. Two women laughed in a rather embarrassed way about "their extravagant lifestyles". Both could afford to spend money, handsomely, compared to most city dwellers. Others operated household budgets on a shoestring, and suggested that total farm budgets were managed likewise. "We never buy anything we can’t afford" was a common refrain, from couples who had financially successful farms and those who are, in their terms, vulnerable. It was suggested that many, especially older women, would not know about the household budgets because groceries could be ordered by phone and "just put on the account".
Drawings were so low for many of these families that questions about the spending of disposable income were not a high priority. A number of times reference was made about the increasing frustration felt by women working in off farm employment who see "their money going into a bottomless hole", the hole being the farm. One farmer, male, asked: "why should professional women live in poverty in the country?"
Energy investment: a group of women were asked, as an exercise, to put numbers into a series of circles. Each circle represents the amount of time and energy they invest in themselves, their family, in work, and/or community. Four completed the diagrams in the following manner.
Diagram 5.1: Proportion of Time Spent
on Each Activity:
Contact for Enquiries
Rural Affairs Coordinator
Sector Performance Policy
MAF Policy
Ministry of Agriculture and Forestry
PO Box 2526
Wellington
NEW ZEALAND
Phone: +64 4 894 0675
Fax: +64 4 4 894 0745
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